As unexpected as a hymn tune in a cent-in-the-slot talking machine

I nearly missed it as I walked along this morning: a big box on the steps of one of the prettiest houses on the street.  They've been having work done so I thought it must be full of materials for whatever project they have going on inside.  And then I saw what the box said:

FREE BOOKS - HELP YOURSELF

My arms were nearly full as I walked into my office, trying to balance Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice, Hawthorne's The Celestial Railroad, and countless other titles. One of the oddest finds was A Dictionary of Similes, printed in 1916. Needless to say I've spent an inordinate amount of time thumbing through it today, giggling to myself at the archaic references.  Here are just a few.

• As incongruous as a blacksmith with a white silk apron
• As placid as a soft-shell crab on a plate of parsley
• As affable as a wet dog
• As crazy as a woman's watch
•  As dry as a London newspaper
• As drunk as a boiled owl
• As jealous as a couple of hairdressers
• As round and pale as a pair of suet dumplings
• As wise as her mother's apron string

No doubt by the time I get all this booty home this evening, I will be 'limping like a sore-footed soldier striding to the band'... not to mention 'tired as tombstones'.